welcome to the world of hungry ghosts


Friday 24 November 2006 at 11:18 am
took a two-day break from editing to read a couple of novels and rest the weary fevered brain. today I woke early, biting my own tail, after dark dreams and staccato sleep. not directly thesis-related, but after three weeks of escalating concentration, there is an excess of momentum that spills over. lacking an object to solve, it grabs hold of the fabric of the quotidian and turns the weave itself into a problem, trying to unravel it. life becomes the psychoanalytic fetish of the thesis.

time to return to the mesh, I guess. in the longer term, I wonder whether living for years with a deferred 'problem' like this, a deep structure buried among the coral reefs, affects my ability to live without one.

en passant


Monday 20 November 2006 at 1:45 pm
padded into the living room this morning and the windows were creaking in a barrage of wind. the sea was low, crested and heavy, troubled: feral grey river of froth, opaque and tinged with green; rapid, flowing past too fast. further out, rolling waves smashed across the stone piers, raising white furnaces of spray, and mighty churning plains broke white and raging on the reefs. the air was stinging with salt.

I am good. the editing proceeds at its own slow pace, between bright epiphanies of structure and long dull stretches of darkness. the days are simple and flow by, much like each other, in an orderly congregation. for clarity and distraction I have taken up my meditation practice again en force, and the benefits are self-evident. I always wonder why I resist it.

dream


Thursday 09 November 2006 at 12:25 pm
dreamt of sniping strange breeds of android across the bridges and alleyways of an alien city. I was with a friend, one of those long lost dream-friends you've never met in life but who still thrill your heart with instant recognition when you meet them. for the first time in my life I met a male one; they tend to be a certain kind of female... anyway, the two of us hid, sniped, climbed, chased and were chased around the rooftops and byways of the city, hooting like monkeys or lost boys: gleeful child barbarians sacking an unearthly rome. at the end my dream-self was running down the street, chased by shapeshifting androids, shouting 'Mayheeem!' at the top of his lungs.

at that point I woke, laughing.

palliative


Wednesday 08 November 2006 at 10:59 am
found a slow, almost inert butterfly in the bathroom last night. mind you, that bathroom has no windows and is shielded from the world by several doors - a world that is pretty much stripped of butterflies by now anyway. how the fuck does that dying butterfly get in there, in november? I scooped it up gently with a sheet of paper and carried it into the living room, at least slightly warmer, then rummaged through my mother's kitchen cupboards til I found a box of sugarcubes. dissolved one on a teaspoon and propped the spoon up against a tealight holder on the table to feed it. tentatively, my dying insect bride dipped its proboscis into the liquid, drew back its antennae and straightened its wings vertically, then froze. sucking straw firmly in place. half an hour later it was still in the same position.

hmmm. "pointless, of course, but at least the little thing gets to go into that good night on a sugar high".

this morning, it was

poised immobile

on the side of a book on the table, two inches away from where I left it. inert and cataleptic, but for the mighty horizontal grip. the water in the spoon had turned to slow molasse from the raised sugar ratio.

joyful


Tuesday 07 November 2006 at 6:52 pm
the mesh of correspondence thickens. clear and slow, I waltz between giddy and dense, touching both extremes from the far side and wondering if there is a middle ground - or indeed, if there should be. some of my reactions surprise me. old threads rise and lie floating on the surface, none of my concern. I recognize darkness now where I did not see it, and an older darkness seems to have turned into a slightly pointless kitten. I see where the light hides in new places. old patterns come to me and ask to be destroyed, and if not a piece of chocolate please.

all the while, cambridge sheds itself from my back like an old dirty boilersuit, sticky with a nine-month binge.

I have a feeling there is something going on


Sunday 05 November 2006 at 2:25 pm
the sun hangs low and hazy in a freezing gray metal sky. myself, bright-eyed, after a terrible night's sleep in which strange thoughts  about other people kept waking me up out of nowhere. weighted with some minor concern, but not for myself - concern of the kind that challenges my ability to draw appropriate clear lines between other people's problems and myself.

back in norway now for a few weeks at least, looking forward to the descent of winter across the island. I like having to regulate temperature upwards, rather than down. come the apocalypse, I think I'll be wanting to live in a northern european palisade village, rather than the tropics.

otherwise, I keep coming across things that block my way but are easily dislodged. big huge rocks, sacks of garbage. I also find myself wrapped in odd chains of hinted coincidence. to pick one that follows up on an earlier entry, take the theme of snakes.

pick up a biography of sai baba in a second-hand bookshop a couple of weeks back. I know nothing about him, except I think he materializes rolex watches for his followers, but for a couple of days I get a bit obsessed with him. want to go on a mission to find spiritual rolex watches after I finish my thesis. his totem animal turns out to be the cobra [ - also the animal of shiva, the hindu ascetic god of yoga, sex, destruction and a few other things. I have a bit of a history with shiva - ] unaware of this, k gets me a rubber cobra for my birthday.

then I go walkabout through scotland to meet the in-laws. k lives near the findhorn foundation, an ecospiritual community that started in a caravan park 40 years ago and has toyed on the edge of my awareness for 10 years now, ever since I read they grow giant vegetables with the help of devas. want to go on a mission to learn super cabbage skills after I finish my thesis. k gives me two books to read on findhorn: one of them is written by a sociologist who 'turned' and moved to findhorn. and guess what, she is a devotee of sai baba.

the other book is the spiritual autobiography of one of the founders. while initially deeply turned off by her patriarchal and domineering representation of god, I find that as the story brings her up to the present, the problems and themes she confronts begin to resonate more clearly with the kind of issues that have troubled me in the last few years: love without the fear of loss, expressing difficult ideals in human daily life and so on. after her husband abandons her for another woman, she draws up a checklist of problems near the end of the story that I could have written myself, point for point, some six months ago.

her key pattern for the new age is the transition from relations of mutual dependence and complementarity, the yin-yang of nuclear marriage, to relations between independent, autonomous and self-sufficient entities. this is an idea that you find absolutely everywhere- my landlady in finnmark was dead keen on it. she also considered herself and the healing farm part of a global 'network of light', guided by higher powers to construct magnetic centres. I am assuming that unless the spiritual world is made up of rivalling corporations of light operating under free market rules, that both she and the findhorners would agree that they are part of the same 'network'.

how's this for a post-doc. 'rhizomes of light: the magnetic geopolitics of the new age'.

there is more to be said about odd timings here but I'll keep it to myself for the time being.

my point to myself is that of course, this could be linked to the proliferation of snakes back in september. of course, and equally, there is nothing tangible.

all there is is hints, hints and suggestive hints of some kind of pervasive connectedness. coupled with a sense of juncture, or density, or flow.

this goes all the way down to the fact that while discussing a particular issue over IM the connection breaks down unexpectedly, just at the point where I start saying something that while appearing superficially helpful, is in fact moving in on the domain of things that are for the other person to sort out, and threatening to foreclose it.


there is something in the air.


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